peaceful corner of the house in Arrowhead. Off to the side away from distractions. Good place to sit…and sit..to be alone or spend time with someone to chat. i loved this bench..this memory..all the thoughts
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Fast Forward
I am always looking ahead to the future. Always looking to whats next, whats my goal, how to get there. Right now, as I am inching and itching closer to May 31. I look toward my two weeks of break/preparing for Shoshone. Shoshone for a week then look forward to 6 weeks of school. At the same time, wondering what am I going to do with all the free time I will now have over summer. I am nervous about student teaching and where i am going to be placed at. Then after the school year, back into school for the 2013 summer. Then its time to look for a real job again. I want to get back into Cerritos High but as of things are now…water is a little murky. Got to do better. 4-5 years down the road start my own geology program….then what? Whats next? Or will China somehow sneak in there and change my plans for 2-3 years? possibly longer? I am always looking forward…forward to the future. Never satisfy with now..never have been able to stay in the present…no reason, no anchor to keep me still.
I dont know how to be satisfy with now. To be ok with the present. Always trying to see what is next. How to prepare for that, to be the best I need to be. Ever since i was little and was involved in swimming competition, i realized that i will never be the best. I must always work to be better, do better, work harder. Never satisfy with me..never good enough. Demand to be the best at all times. Nothing showed that i was good enough. No CIF rings in high school. Grades were just decent in college. Relationship fails. No promotion at UCLA.
So now…as i am stuck for the next 15 months…waiting for school to end. What am i suppose to do? Looking forward to whats next..how to get there. I know i need/suppose to Love the people around me now. To have a lot of Patience with the present. And maybe….ONE DAY…one day…God will show me what He wants…and aligning it with some of what i want/plan for the future. Until I can stay still…I am always going to be time traveling….needing to be better..
In Eeyore mopey voice…How is it lucky to have to say goodbye to something you love..
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When I need encouragement, i turn to my Sunday school kids + Esther. These are the fun moments I work for as a teacher =) even though they purposely make me feel old… love that i can tell whos wrote what without leaving a name.
anything of worth in life requires hard work, sacrifice, and commitment. Dedication to be the best..for the best.
Today in basketball devos, the topic was on loyalty. The main focus was on leadership and how to be loyal in that. loyalty is such a big word for me. I cant break my loyalty to someone once i made a promise. That goes against every fiber in my body. For example, i couldnt break the pact i made in Diplomacy with Jack and Emily. I would rather go down and die before breaking that loyalty. I feel the same about a few people. I would go to the grave with their needs. loyalty still full. Maybe its cuz i am trying to run from my past…where loyalty was such a distant word. I dont want that to be me. I choose to remain loyal to what my heart. To remain loyal as a leader and a servant. to stay and stick it out. wait for nothing.
Why?
this life is unfair
when your life is a lose-lose
which lose do you pick
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
Which path to choose, the path that screws you less?
Or do you run, to a place where summer rains
Or stand strong, settle for forever closeness
October, forty four moons ago
not good enough, falling short/behind
e a l
dream
anger, sadness, frustration
yes
So what happens if i get a job offer at CHS in next year? Do i stay or go on missions? A few years…thats all for now?
Safety, security, dream job? // Serving, loving, first choice? // Family, love, pain? // big picture, calling, pain?
I am glad I am stopping working soon. Need some time to regroup and collect my thoughts.
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