peaceful corner of the house in Arrowhead. Off to the side away from distractions. Good place to sit…and sit..to be alone or spend time with someone to chat. i loved this bench..this memory..all the thoughts
The Great Gatsby
must watch…..anyone want to go?..
Flash to the past….
This is one of the things i dont talk about. This post tells you a lot about a year of my past. I dont think anyone knows about this..so just the fact that i am sharing this now…means a lot to me.
This is a year long set of photos. One picture a day..for a year…along with a caption. At least I did it for a year. This was one of the most fun, most intimate, most secretive thing that was between Joy and I. Most of my pictures were set up by myself (which i got really good at doing). Just looking back at the past… Dont miss any of it! But I thank God for it. Just remembering..nothing more. These were some of my most memorable and favorites..without nothing too embarrassing
Fast Forward
I am always looking ahead to the future. Always looking to whats next, whats my goal, how to get there. Right now, as I am inching and itching closer to May 31. I look toward my two weeks of break/preparing for Shoshone. Shoshone for a week then look forward to 6 weeks of school. At the same time, wondering what am I going to do with all the free time I will now have over summer. I am nervous about student teaching and where i am going to be placed at. Then after the school year, back into school for the 2013 summer. Then its time to look for a real job again. I want to get back into Cerritos High but as of things are now…water is a little murky. Got to do better. 4-5 years down the road start my own geology program….then what? Whats next? Or will China somehow sneak in there and change my plans for 2-3 years? possibly longer? I am always looking forward…forward to the future. Never satisfy with now..never have been able to stay in the present…no reason, no anchor to keep me still.
I dont know how to be satisfy with now. To be ok with the present. Always trying to see what is next. How to prepare for that, to be the best I need to be. Ever since i was little and was involved in swimming competition, i realized that i will never be the best. I must always work to be better, do better, work harder. Never satisfy with me..never good enough. Demand to be the best at all times. Nothing showed that i was good enough. No CIF rings in high school. Grades were just decent in college. Relationship fails. No promotion at UCLA.
So now…as i am stuck for the next 15 months…waiting for school to end. What am i suppose to do? Looking forward to whats next..how to get there. I know i need/suppose to Love the people around me now. To have a lot of Patience with the present. And maybe….ONE DAY…one day…God will show me what He wants…and aligning it with some of what i want/plan for the future. Until I can stay still…I am always going to be time traveling….needing to be better..
In Eeyore mopey voice…How is it lucky to have to say goodbye to something you love..
Fun- Carry On
sigh…carry on…carry on..
Muse- Unintended
I love Muse! so beautiful…melody..rhythm, lyrics..
Happy Mothers day to my wonderful mommy =) Thank you for taking care of me for the pass 24 and a half years
When I need encouragement, i turn to my Sunday school kids + Esther. These are the fun moments I work for as a teacher =) even though they purposely make me feel old… love that i can tell whos wrote what without leaving a name.
anything of worth in life requires hard work, sacrifice, and commitment. Dedication to be the best..for the best.
Death Cab for Cutie- I will follow you into the Dark
This song is so beautiful. Ive read so many different meaning to this song, But i do believe that it will have a different meaning for everyone.
-}found a good quote while stumbling around on the internet though…”When you are embarrassed, ill be your pride. When you need direction, then ill be your guide, for all the time. “
Might as well do a journaling for today… In sunday school today, Esther and I taught about the gift of exhortation. How discouragement comes from disinterest, disrespect, disillusionment, and….one more…which i forgot.. But i was really discouraged from all the Shoshone planning and felt my thoughts scattered all over the place. Felt like i wasnt doing a good job leading or providing information for the team. But Amy was able to encourage me that i was doing a good job. And that she wasnt feeling out of place. It was probably just me that feels that way because I am leading the team. The encouragement was right on time and much needed to help me push on.
verse i came away with today..
Psalm 139:14. “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Psalm 139:23 “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”
Today in basketball devos, the topic was on loyalty. The main focus was on leadership and how to be loyal in that. loyalty is such a big word for me. I cant break my loyalty to someone once i made a promise. That goes against every fiber in my body. For example, i couldnt break the pact i made in Diplomacy with Jack and Emily. I would rather go down and die before breaking that loyalty. I feel the same about a few people. I would go to the grave with their needs. loyalty still full. Maybe its cuz i am trying to run from my past…where loyalty was such a distant word. I dont want that to be me. I choose to remain loyal to what my heart. To remain loyal as a leader and a servant. to stay and stick it out. wait for nothing.
Why?
this life is unfair
when your life is a lose-lose
which lose do you pick
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
Which path to choose, the path that screws you less?
Or do you run, to a place where summer rains
Or stand strong, settle for forever closeness
October, forty four moons ago
not good enough, falling short/behind
e a l
dream
anger, sadness, frustration
yes
So what happens if i get a job offer at CHS in next year? Do i stay or go on missions? A few years…thats all for now?
Safety, security, dream job? // Serving, loving, first choice? // Family, love, pain? // big picture, calling, pain?
I am glad I am stopping working soon. Need some time to regroup and collect my thoughts.
Of Monsters and Men- Little Talks
Song Meaning..
Seems to be about an older couple who have been married for many years and now the wife is suffering from alzhiemers disease. It’s a sad story of what they are going through with the wife struggling through this tragedy trying to keep her memories and just get through everyday functions. The husband who is dying inside as he sees his wife disappear a little each day trys to keep her comforted as this terrible thing progresses. He reflects on how things were when they were young and how he misses their conversations. There seems to be a part where she tells him not to take anything she says to hearts when she’s not herself. He seems to try to pull her back when he sees moments of her normal self. This song should be the banner for the fight against a terrible plight.
-}to my future love….just shoot me if i have alzhiemers. I dont want to die twice..
-} sigh…venice…
